The effects of porn and men’s expectations in the bedroom; how it affects our online dating life.

Updated: Jul 21

The effects of porn and men’s expectations in the bedroom; How it affects our online dating life.


Now I’ve always been aware of how toxic mainstream porn is, but I’ve always felt like my voice is just 1 in a billion. Getting lost in the sea of disappointed, objectified and dehumanised women everywhere. I didn’t feel like there was much point talking about it. After all there are only about a million articles and papers written on the negative effect porn has had on our society. Why would mine make any difference?



It all began the other week when I was talking to a friend about the “69” position… Well it was more like me slagging it off. Okay, I was full on ranting.

Every single man I’ve ever been with or spoken to, absolutely loves 69-ing and it’s almost like they perceive it as an equal act in the bedroom because women supposedly get something out of it too. It’s something I’ve genuinely never understood. Now maybe it’s just because I’m PMSing, but for some reason I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was bothering me. I wanted to know if I was the only one feeling that frustration. So, I said fuck it lets see. I posted my question in a private group that’s only women. I asked, judgement free obviously, who genuinely enjoys it? I’m curious. What do they get that I don’t?


Well I wasn’t expecting the answers to say the least. I thought maybe I’ll get 6? 10 replies?

In total 314 women (and still counting) responded. After reading through them all over the course of a couple days, I came to the crystal-clear conclusion that 96% of those women HATE it too. Reading through the comments, they were all saying the same things:

“I thought I was just the weird one, that didn’t get it”, “I thought I was a freak”, “guys never want to be on top, it’s always the assumed women’s position”, “partner always asks for it and never realises how it’s not pleasurable for the woman”, “it’s a cop out position so the guy can be lazy”, or my personal favourite “69ing? What is this, high school? I don't know anyone in real life that's even tried to pretend it's a regular enjoyable part of sex in adulthood”.

My point is, all of these women felt alone in having this opinion. We were all just as surprised as each other to find out that 69 actually sucks for all of us (no pun intended, but its staying now). It’s like women have been groomed by porn to conform to sexual acts that’s predominantly pleasurable for the man. Somehow, we’ve been convinced that sure all women love it, so should YOU.


The women in the comments said they have always felt like 69ing was something that’s expected from them in the bedroom. Its uncomfortable for starters. If you’re a bigger girl like me, it’s never fun sitting on a frail man’s little face. I don’t care if they insist that they want to be suffocated or they like it. I’m worried about snapping your neck for real dude! I’m going to be self-conscious about that (after all, the main representation of women in porn are the typical skinny waist, big tit/ass young girls). By default, I’m already damaged-by, unlearning and dealing with internalised misogyny that’s been drilled into me since birth.

So now I’m holding up my own body weight by my arms for a good 10 minutes before they start getting shaky. I’m not even close to an orgasm because I can’t concentrate and imp not even enjoying myself. WHILST also doing my part of the deed. Eventually I’m like fuck this and get off. I’m not doing it anymore. I’m frustrated that I feel this need to pleasure someone else even if that means ignoring my own needs and comforts. I have literally gaslit myself into thinking I should enjoy 69ing.

Why am I going into so much detail and telling you all this? That’s the effects of porn.

It’s not just me that its affected, it’s the 300+ women in that group. It’s your own wife and daughter (not that you should need to use family relation in order to see and validate a woman’s struggles by the way). It’s little girls scrolling on Tiktok seeing all the OnlyFans thirst traps, the makeup tutorials, the DIY push up bra videos. Its mentally draining. It’s exhausting. I mean look at the effect it had on my brain, just on this one subject.



Before I go on, I would just like to take a moment to clarify that sex work is valid work. I used to content create in that regard myself and I enjoyed it. Ethical porn exists and its well beyond the male gaze. Its porn where everyone is a real valid human being, everyone deserves pleasure, nobody is there just to be used and looked at.

That’s the difference between my hate for mainstream porn vs ethical.


Of course, this is only a relatively small fraction of a huge issue. 69 is mere example of how porn negatively effects women. Porn is essentially teenagers sex education. Boys are taught to be dominant, rough, have big dicks, muscly bodies… Girls are taught to be submissive, young looking, HAIRLESS, big tits, there to be used. A woman’s sexual pleasure is never featured nor important in mainstream porn. Be real, the men in the gangbangs never spend over 20 seconds focused on the clit. Yet that has had a massive knock on effect on how women are treated in the bedroom. I have spoken to countless women who have told me stories about their ex's never making them orgasm, or their partners never paying attention to their clit aka their pleasure. Soon as the man comes it’s all over for us all!



So, how has all this mess leaked into our dating lives? I’m going back to the basics and talking about pre-sex dating. The first message, an introduction, the first date.


If you’ve checked out our cause and our social media platforms, you will be well aware by now that we get sent in screen shots from women all over the world and also post examples of our own, of first encounters with men on dating apps.


Why do we do this?


To prove that women face sexual abuse and harassment on a daily basis. To call out the fact that this has been totally normalised on dating apps and to say this is not good enough anymore.


So, what is sexual harassment?

Here’s an official definition for you:

“Sexual harassment is a type of harassment involving the use of explicit or implicit sexual overtones, including the unwelcome and inappropriate promises of rewards in exchange for sexual favours. Sexual harassment includes a range of actions from verbal transgressions to sexual abuse or assault.”

Now let me ask you another question… Would it be acceptable to walk up to a woman in a bar and say “hey baby you up for some fun?” or “hi beautiful, show me your tits”. What about getting your dick out in the middle of a pub and asking a random stranger to suck it? No. The answer is, it is not acceptable. So WHY is it an expected behaviour to have to dodge on dating apps (and online in general, but that’s a whole new article)? It’s a given to receive a dick pic, its meant to be a “compliment” when they call us, a random stranger online that they have just met, “bangable”. But you’ll say just delete them and block them! No! Why? For them to move onto the next woman and sexually harass her instead? That should not be her problem. We want it to end full stop.

Things that for a fact would be sexual harassment in a real life, every day, face to face setting, seem to not count online. When the perpetrators are hiding behind a screen, there is no consequence for their abuse. And so, they abuse.


What a coincidence! The way women are perceived and treated in mainstream porn, is EXACTLY how real women are getting treated in real life. But it’s not the same, right? Because it’s just on the internet.


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